Three months ago I did the bravest and stupidest thing ever I've done my life. Turns out it was mostly stupid. Moved across the state for a job that laid me off after two months.
My life sucks and whatever mental challenges I'm facing seem like perfectly normal responses to a fucked up situation. I'm doing better than I have in a long time mentally at least, I'm not down on my self about the situation. I take it well as much in stride as I can, I did nothing wrong. I refuse to find a job that's going to again just buy me time. I didn't move here to buy time. I moved here for a career, not a job. With no career I have no reason to be here in this city of strangers.
My time with the kids is great. The apartment complex has a pool so I take them swimming every weekend, and with no job and school out for summer, the weekends are often long. The friends I stayed with when I first moved here gave me a family zoo membership for my birthday, so we go almost every weekend. We're in my apartment. Mine, not the so called family home. A lot of the mental baggage of that horrible marriage never got packed and that's a hell of a load off. I don't know how long I'll be here though. With no job how long I can stay here. Sooner or later I'll have to move in with family.
My still legally, but not in any other sense of the word, wife asks me if we're getting a divorce or a dissolution. Divorce involves fighting, courts, lawyers and lots of money. A dissolution involves less money and agreeing on everything. My response "Are you willing to discuss you doing half the driving?" "No" "Then I guess it's a divorce."
The house finally sells. Back and forth with the bank for the short sale went on for six months. I go to sign the papers and they want money for closing costs. $250 dollars, and I don't have it. I have $53.24 in my bank account. I know what's fair is paying half, and my ex-wife paying half. But I have choice but to stick her with all of it. I figure we'll just settle that in divorce court, because what other choice do I have?
For the most part, I do my best to put the Librarian out of my mind. But on every trip back and forth to pick up and drop off the kids I pass her exit on the highway. Sometimes I toy with the idea of borrowing her daughter for the weekend because I miss her too, but I never quite get around to doing so because I'm selling blood to see my own kids every other weekend, how can I justify having another kid for the weekend? I try to avoid the temptation, but I bring up her Facebook page every now and then just to see what's going on with her. Doesn't really work though as she has her privacy settings set pretty tight, so except for the occasional profile picture and cover photo update there's next to nothing. There's a difference between "absolutely nothing" and "next to nothing." Next to nothing would be one single post that got through those filters somehow. It's not much just a link to her wedding registry.
This is my life now.
