I should be happy. I have the kids for Christmas, didn't even have to fight about it. For some reason my offered to let me have the kids for Christmas and Thanksgiving if she could have them for Halloween. I don't understand how that's even close to a fair trade or compromise but how could I not accept? I should be happy about this. But I'm not.
Every Christmas since my daughter was born my wife and I would have the same argument. She'd want to spend the night before Christmas at her parents or mine. I insisted that we be home, at our house, for Santa. Christmas morning I just wanted to be us, as a family. I always won the argument. She told me that because this was always so important to me, that's why she let me have the kids.
Yet, I'm not at home this year. I took the kids to my parents. I couldn't bare the thought of of being at what once was our house, sitting around what was our tree, without us being ... us. An incomplete family. I didn't even get the tree out this year.
Not to mention with my current financial situation I wasn't even sure that that Santa could come to our house. Grandma bailed me out again, without me even mentioning I needed help. What kind of father can't even provide presents for his kids on Christmas?
That's not even the worst of it. I know the holidays aren't about gifts or presents. It's about family and spending time with the ones you love. I'm spending Christmas at my parents for the first time in years. My kids are here with me and they will be spending their first Christmas without both their parents. That absolutely breaks my heart.
I know she choose this, both the separation and not having the kids tomorrow. But I still feel like I should be doing something grand and slightly stupid to try to bring us together. I'm tempted to load the kids up at midnight, and drive for hours just for a few moments of "family" time. I know that's a bad idea. She would think I was doing it to try to get her back, which wouldn't be entirely untrue.
It'd be mostly for the kids. I don't ever want them to know a moment of pain, or loss. I know it's too late for that.
This is my life now.
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