Missing the War

Sundays are Community Dinners. Local churches take turns providing the local community with a free lunch. Of course by "the Community" I mean the four most faithful church families, elderly church goers with nothing better to do and the abject poor. We now being the later. You come have a meal prepared by people to wealthy to cook for themselves on a daily basis, and rub elbows with the squallier. For a free hot well rounded meal it's not that bad. Come for the food, leave with a bag of Panera Bread.

Although about once a month though the meal is half inedible. Burger Briquettes come to mind. Another time there was a soup where the cook obviously didn't know what they were doing and added the dehydrated beans in last, leaving the result a mine field for chipped teeth. For my family anyway, most of the attendees were down to their last four and 3/4 teeth.

My wife happened to work this Sunday, and suggest I go by myself with the kids. I declined the suggestion for a number of reasons. One managing two kids and a tray full of food was a juggling act I didn't want to attempt. The stronger reason was the last time this church had the Community Dinner.

As a family we arrived right as it started. On the way into the dining room of the church I nearly literally ran into my old boss. That's right, I was was face to face with the man who let me go, leaving me in this awful situation. Imagine the feeling you get running into an ex-girlfriend. She's in a bikini with her jock husband, you're in a stained shirt with your fat cousin. Take that feeling and multiply by 100.

I had no idea he went to that church. He was wearing this ridiculous Kelly Green sport coat and matching bow tie. Somehow, despite having stole his attire from the guy on the Lucky Charms box, he somehow manages to pull the look off and makes it look good. Another reason to loathe him.


Our eyes met for a second, with his kids in tow, and mine as well and he blurts out a "hello." Caught of guard I returned a mumbled salutation. I know he knew why we were at his church, and if he didn't, I'm sure his wife told him after I refused her offer of olives on my taco.

I doubt he felt bad though. I worked for him long enough to know that he's never had a moment of regret for any business decision he's ever made. He told me on many occasions that "Everything's for sale except my wife and kids." At first that seemed like smart business savvy. Then I started to realize that meant trust, loyalty, ethics and friendship. Perhaps that was my mistake though. I in some ways did consider him a friend albeit not a close one. I bought my riding lawn mower off of him. I had qualms about the morality of him outsourcing my entire department to himself and his new company but in this economy there was no way I wasn't going along for the ride. I told myself while this career path might not be one I'd choose for myself, this new avenue only points up. I couldn't have been more wrong.

My department was already stretched thin. Myself, another full time employee and an intern. In December the other full timer found a new job and the intern's internship ended. So instead of taking some planned time off, I worked. The day before the new intern was to start my boss told me of his master plan to start the new company and made it sound like he was building this business around me. I move I found both foolish and ballsy. But the catch was the other full timer wouldn't be replaced until the new business is official. I was fine with that, but cautioned .. I can pick up the slack for a while but not for an extended period. He nodded in what I thought was understanding and told me it'd be a few weeks.

So I worked through lunch daily. Weeks turned into months. I stayed late and came in early until doing so only made me less productive not more. Our computers were often not working and severely hampering productivity, but couldn't be replaced until the new company was official. Our software was so out of date we had trouble opening outside files, and still we waited. Starting new project for this new company. Each day I wore on me more and more and each day I'd come home to a wife who was that much closer to giving birth to my son.

I needed time off. I begged my Wife to give birth so I could get time off. Somehow in my mind, the chaos of a new child would be less stressful than work. It was, but hardly enough to decompress. After a week and a half off at the end of April / beginning of May to spend time with my new son, it was right back at it, except now even harder. The routine was broken and there was another mouth to feed.

Eventually the Intern was made full time, which was a step in the right direction, but still left us a man down. Finally, the new company would open it's doors on Monday, June 15th. Finally all the additional work and waiting and bullshit would be over. New computers, new software and more employees! But first a meeting on the Friday before, my boss, his new business partner and myself. I thought this was a meeting was to get everyone on the same page. My boss and his partner were very obviously not on the same page and gave me conflicting instructions. I thought this meeting was to get us all on the same page and start this thing off on the right foot.

My boss per his usual M.O. was late. But he got to the point rather quickly. Not his exact words but a paraphrase: "You've been working very hard the past few months. We want to start this company out the right way with employees who can give 110%, and you're pretty burnt out right now, so moving forward I don't think you can be an asset to the company. Thank you for your hard work and turn in your keys."

I'm being fired for working too hard? Or for having a family that's a priority? Should I have slacked off? Did I complain too much? Not enough? Did I take too much time off when my son was born? Not enough? What the fuck did I do wrong? Did the company big brother spy some of my wife's hormone driven profanity laced tirades in emails to my work account while she was pregnant? What the hell did I do wrong? I gave everything, more than I wanted to make him, to make both the new and the old company as success and this is the fucking thanks I get?!?

I'm escorted to my office by the head of HR, a timid but likable man. I was either his first or second hire when he was brought aboard and obviously he felt more than a little pity on me. At my office I'm met by the head of security who didn't have far to go, as she had the adjoining office. The former intern and the partner are already there and doing something on my computer. The partner tells me "I'm not allowed to touch the computer." I know there's a good reason why, but it still pisses me off they'd think I'd formulate a plan for revenge that quickly.

I can't help but laugh. "Good thing my stuff's already packed, otherwise this might be akward and uncomfortable" I announce. I was ready to go to my new office! I take my boxes out to my car, escorted by the head of security. She offers to carry one for me, but since these boxes contain the last of my dignity I decline.

The trip home was the longest ever. I'm rehearsing the right way to tell my wife. As if how I tell her is going to make it not as bad. I enter the house to silence. I find my wife still sleeping. The creak of the bedroom door awakens her. "What are you doing home?" she mutters through blurry eyes, clutching my sleeping son to her breast.

I know I opened my mouth to answer, I'm just not sure one ever came out. I next find myself laying on the floor next to the bed sobbing uncontrollably., apologizing to my wife for everything I can think of, but mainly for letting her down, for letting my daughter down, and for letting my month and a half old son down.

Anyway, I had Ramen Noodles for lunch today.

This is my life now.