You and Me and the Bottle Make Three

Why didn't I say it back? Am I afraid? Or is there legitimate reason to thing there's something not quite right. I don't know, but I know I need to find out before I can use that four letter "L" word back. I don't feel like I can wait for it to work its self out either. I need to ask. I put it off though because if I'm right, it might end. I don't want it to end. I give myself a week. 

Thursday night I do my regularly scheduled call with the kids. My daughter mentions to me that tomorrow night is a father / daughter dance at her school and since I can't take her my ExWife's father is. After I'm done talking to the kids, I ask to speak to the Soon-To-Be-ExWife. I ask her about this father/daughter dance, since this is the first I've heard about it. She won't even give me the time or place. Says if I can't pick up the kids on Friday nights, I can't go to a dance either. She's right that I don't pick up kids on Friday nights, I usually work second shift and don't get off till 11pm. This week however I'm on that goofy earlier scheduled training shift, and depending on when it starts, I might be able to be there in time for it. She screams and yells at me "No, you don't get to pick! You either get them every Friday or no Fridays!" Congratulations, you missed a legitimate chance to make me feel like a bad father because I might not have been able to go. Instead, you were a selfish bitch who withheld information from me, thus making it impossible for me to go, and made it all on you.

RIC had disappeared into the kitchen for most of this, while she didn't hear the actual conversation, she could hear the elevated volume. "That didn't sound like it went well." I recall the finer points of the argument, and audibly remind myself that the only chance I have to have a civilized discussion with her is to have it in writing. RIC's heard some of the stories about my ex by now, but this is the first she's had proof they're more than just stories told from the point of view of an angry ex.

RIC tells me about her best friend, and how her husband is on such bad terms with his ex-wife, that eventually her best friend stepped in, and now on all matters relating to the kids, he's not involved in the discussion. Just her best friend and her best friend's husband's exwife. "That's great for him" I say "think she'll deal with my ex-wife for me?" "No, I just meant maybe sometime down the road, I'd deal with her instead of you."

*crickets*

I don't even know what the say to that. I wouldn't wish what my ex-wife puts me through on my worst enemy, and she's volunteering to take her off my hands for me? Do she know what she'd be getting herself into? We've known each other for an amount of time that can be best measured in days and weeks ... wow! That's big. It's huge. It's too soon. 

"Maybe someday, not quite yet though." I tell her. "Yeah, that's what I meant. It's too soon now" she says with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

Friday night we're sitting around watching TV, I'm wishing I could be at that dance instead. I'm lamenting this fact, when RIC asks me if I'd like some company on the five hour round trip to pick up the kids. My wife refuses to provide any transportation so it's a tremendous time and money suck. It's draining. But I do it for my kids. It hadn't even occurred to me to ask for her company, but it's welcomed. We leave early the next morning. With company the time passes quicker. 

Upon arriving at the ex's house, RIC asks me "So do you want me to go in with you?" I'd been pondering that the whole drive. "I'm not going to ask you to come in, it's up to you. I could honestly go either way ... However, she's less likely to throw a stupid fit with someone else around."

We go to the door and knock and wait. Knock again. Finally one of the kids comes and unlocks the door runs away giggling. It's some sort of game the kids play. It's also a game the ex plays. She won't answer the door, makes the kids unlock it, so it's on me to invite myself in or stand outside for who knows how long without even acknowledgement I'm there. I can't help but feel this sooner or later will be called "breaking and entering" by her. 

We enter, and as is typical we speak to the kids and not each other. She's on the computer and won't even look in my direction this time. "Com'on kids get ready! Your dad is three minutes early so you need to hurry up and get ready cause he's too impatient to wait in the driveway until it's his time."

I think she can hear my eyes rolling, so she finally turns around with contempt ready to lay into me. That's when she realized that there was another adult in the house. Suddenly she's all sunshine and rainbows. RIC's the bigger person, and introduces herself. The ex shakes her hand, if you can call it that, like a limp wristed, palm down aristocrat burdened by allowing physical contact with a commoner. 

Finally the kids are ready, we load up the car and make the 150 minute drive to RIC's. We grab some lunch and then digest on the couch watching SpongeBob. My boy climbs into my lap. RIC's laying with her dog snuggled up to her. I give my daughter a hard time because she's the only one not cuddling with someone, fully expecting her to come and compete with her brother for my lap. Instead she crawls the length on the couch, and plops down on top of RIC. 

Damn, I guess I need not worry about if they'll get along or not. The stars seem to be aligning. With all the shit I've been though. Damn it, I deserve this kid of relationship. I've tried to have realistic expectations for a relationship. This one seems to exceed my most unrealistic fantasies for a relationship. All this suffering for the past few years has been worth it if this is my reward. Is this karma leveling out? I'm happy. I'm ready to abandon all my fears. 

We make plans to go to a children's museum with the kids the next day. I head to my parents' with the kids. That night RIC calls me. She's mumbling and incoherent and then hangs up unexpectedly. I don't know what to make of this, is she sick and trying to ask for help? Is there some medical condition she has that she hadn't told me about? Before I figure out what to do she calls back. 

"Are you drunk?" I finally ask. 
"Yeah."
"Go sleep it off and I'll see you in the morning."

We have a great time the next morning. The kids are rambunctious, but well behaved. For not having kids of her own, RIC's incredibly interactive with them. When I'm around other peoples kids I'm reserved. She playing with them and entertaining them. Not overstepping boundaries, but not leary of them either. We go to a late lunch before I take the kids back. 

RIC apologizes for not going with me to take the kids back. Her best friend wants a girls night. While I'd like to have company, I certainly don't require it. I tell her to have fun and I'd see her in five hours. 

When I arrive back home, her home that is, I ask her how her girls night was. She tells me it was good, but we need to talk. No conversation that starts with "we need to talk" is a happy conversation.

Her best friend had strongly suggested that she tell me something. Okay ... obviously what she has to tell me is weighing greatly on her mind, so I'm as patient and as calm as I can pretend to be. In my head I'm panicking. This is the other horrible thing in the back of my mind I've been waiting for. She can't even look at me when she says it. 

"I got a DUI last year."
That's it? 
"Okay, Obviously not a good thing, but not a deal breaker." 
"There's more" she tells me "that job I quit last year? Really I got fired for showing up drunk." 
"Oh" I say,  this is a bit worse, and will take more time to mentally process, but slowly, "We've all made mistakes." 
Somehow she doesn't look relieved. 
"That's not all" she tells me. By now she's actually crying, "I spent 67 days in rehab for alcohol." 

This is almost good news to me. I mean if she did a stint in rehab, it's in the past. everything she said was past tense. It's in the past. 

"I'm glad you told me," I said "I was afraid I was going to have to ask. I had clues ... I just didn't know what they added up too. When I was Facebook stalking you when we first met you had several posts counting the number of days sober ... And the AA schedule taped to the side of your fridge. That was a pretty big clue. After last night I was worried and needed more than just hints of what the story was. I was afraid it was ... current." 

"Last night?" 
"You called me last night when you were drunk ... Twice." 
"I'm sorry, I don't remember that. There's no excuse for that." 

We sit in silence for and I put together the pieces of her life before we met. She split from her ex-husband and, had a very tough time of it. Self medicated for her depression. After losing her job and getting a DUI she went to rehab, part because it was needed, part to avoid jail. 

She breaks the silence. "Are you staying?" 

"Yeah, I'm staying. It's in the past. We all have our pasts. Good or bad, your past brought you here to me, and right now I'm happy." 

"I don't understand how you're so understanding" she tells me.

I shrug. "I guess it's because I love you."

This is my life now.

Why Were Your Eyes Open?

Fear can be a big motivator. It can also be what holds you back. I don't want to be held back anymore. I have an nominal job, and I'm seeing this pretty awesome girl. Which means for the first time in quite a while, I actually possess something worth having a fear of losing. I have this deep fear that I'm ignoring something staring me right in the face. Like when the detective solves the crime at the end of the movie and your shown flashback after flashback to clues that made it so damn obvious how the plot was being set up the whole time, and you wonder how you missed it.

I don't want to be afraid though. Fuck, after the last three and a half years of total misery maybe this is the big pay out. This is when the great scales of karma come back into balance. I feel like I pulled the lever and finally came up with triple cherries, jackpot. And I call her RIC.

Things are moving entirely too fast, but I'm so eager to have a life again I don't care. I'm seeing things that might be clues to something being wrong. Or maybe I'm imagining them. I don't know. I decide until I can put the pieces together and see a picture, I'm not going to invent a problem that exists only in my imagination. To clarify, I've never been one to be scared of having a relationship, I do fear never being able to get close to some to have a relationship. I also fear it ending, so I guess maybe I'm looking for the reasons why it'll end now, so I'm not surprised when it does end. So maybe I can head it off at the pass. So what's now a tiny splinter doesn't become so infected the only solution is amputation. I don't want to be afraid.

I push forward with reckless abandonment, which is a risky strategy for a new relationship, unless of course the other person is doing the same. She is too. It starts simply enough, spending way too much time together for two people who just met. Eventually I find myself making excuses to NOT be at her place, not because I don't want to be there, but because I feel like that's something I should be doing at some point. I have chores to do. I need this. I want that. I need to change clothes. I need to do laundry. Eventually it's only a matter of time before I just take the whole laundry basket over and then I don't need to go home to do laundry, or to get clothes. As it turns out, having lost so much over the past few years, I can pretty much live without my stuff..

RIC is amazing. The first week we're dating she has dinner on the table waiting for me when I get home from work more times than my ExWife did in the 12 years we were together. Not this is something I expect from any woman of mine, but ... it does impress me. One day at work I'm pondering going home for my iPhone dock/alarm clock and perhaps a pair of lounge pants for comfort. I don't even get around to telling her this, and by the time I get to her house after work she's purchased both for me. Any problem, no matter how small, she seems to be there with a solution. It's a new experience for me. I'm enjoying it, even if I'm not quite comfortable with it.

Meanwhile one day I see a Facebook post, announcing plans for a benefit for Dino's memorial fund. Anyone interested in contributing should contact her BioDad's sister, the child's aunt, The Librarian's ex-sister in law, whatever you want to call her. I sent her a message. "I'd like to help anyway I can. As I graphic designer, I'd be honored to design the flier to promote the event." She takes me up on the offer. She asks me if I can use a picture she saw on Facebook where Dino looked like an angel "Do you know which one I'm talking about?" " 

We'd been shopping in the mall, ducked inside the Disney Store for just a look. Of course the girl wanted everything. She was placated though by being allowed to try on a Cinderella dress and posing for a picture in front of a mural of the castle. "Yeah, I know which one. I took that picture."

We discuss the plans, it's clear that her hearts in the right place, but she really has no experience with planning an event like this. She wants fancy dinners and a fresh salad bar. I tell her to go with cheap spaghetti and lettuce with dressing. Every penny spent on food is a penny not going to the memorial fund. I throw her more advice along those lines. Don't feel like I did that much other than point her in a direction, she's grateful for the help. As I'm about to sign off, she says "If you don't mind me asking, how do you know the Librarian and her daughter?"  I'm not sure how "I dated the Librarian immediately before her fiancé" would go over. Might helping with this event be misconstrued as some bizarre selfish attempt to get her back? "I originally worked with her Lil' Sis, then later her. I'll just leave it at that." Woefully lacking, but truthful.

The benefit is scheduled for the Saturday before Easter. This is a challenge. I'm off work on Friday, my daughter is off school so I can pick my kids up a day early. However the benefit is going to be up by my kids, so driving 15 hours in three days is too much for me and 10 hours in three days is too much for the kids. We also have to find time to color Easter eggs in there. The only option seems to be to pick them up at the regular Saturday morning time and skip the eggs.

RIC however offers another solution. Pick up the kids Friday morning. Do fun stuff with kids all day Friday, get an extended stay hotel room so we can color Easter eggs, then Saturday do the benefit before coming home and soon Easter at my parents the next morning. Yeah, sounds like a great solution, but I don't have the money for that. "I do" she says. Again she's left me dumbfounded. "You do realize what you're offering right? Go to my ex-wife's and meet her, then spend the day with me and the kids, spend the night in a hotel with us on your dime, then go to a benefit for the daughter of my ex-girlfriend, where you'll meet her and likely her entire family, and maybe an emotional event and if you'd happen to have any feeling of jealousy you'd just have to eat them for the time being, plus a ton of driving, then meet my parents the next day?" 

"Yeah, I know." Damn, she's kinda awesome. 

 I could say that the fact she makes significantly more money than me was good thing, but it's not. Not entirely. She's used to going out regularly, as in almost every night, and not worrying about the cost. Just trying to keep up is taxing my resources, trying to be be a proper gentlemen and pay for our dates is getting to the point it warrants a conversation. "I don't have the money to go out all the time. I also don't want to feel like a mooch and make you pay for everything. At the same time I don't wanna become recluses and never leave the house." "I don't mind paying" "I know you don't, but I do." We make a plan to deal with this problem. Go out less, when we do do cheaper things. Don't need to buy drinks with dinner every time. Our first "fight" if you can even call it that. Problem identified, and solution propose and enacted. No hurt feelings. No drama. She decides to mark the occasion by taking me out to a seafood restaurant where dinner was $100 before tip. *shrug* 

I wish I could say there's progress on the war front, but the divorce isn't really isn't moving forward. We go, the lawyers negotiate, nothing is solved. After five hours of negotiation we reach a settlement. As with all good negotiations, neither of is is exactly happy. All that's left is for the lawyers to draw up the papers and my ex decides, "Uh, never mind." My lawyer is starting to think she has no intention of doing anything but making it go to trial.

I'm venting my frustrations, RIC sympathizes, yet doesn't blindly take my side. She pushes me to go for more with the kids. Wants me to consider, trying for full custody. I tell her I can't, not yet. I've struggled so long to find solid ground for my life, I can't yet build on this loose gravel I've managed to lay down. I need a real foundation first. Maybe someday. "I don't know how you can stand to be so far away from your kids. If it were me I get a job, any fast food job just to be close to them." "I tried that, it didn't work." "Well if you could find a job up there, I'd be willing to sell my house and start over up there with you. It's easy in my line of work to did a job." 

That almost sounded ... I mean it didn't sound like "I'd do that tomorrow for you." It sounded like "you need worry about having to choose between your kids and me if you want to move because I am not handcuffed to this area." Still her unbridled generosity, her adoring attention, this feels like a dream. I don't wanna wake up.

Suddenly she has that look, the look that she was trying to remember something for days, now three days later when she wasn't thinking about it, it hit her like a bolt of lightning. That's the look.

"I love you"

Did she just say that? Oh crap. What do I say? I'm not there yet. I'm on that road, but not there yet. Close, maybe. Right? There's still these hints of something wrong. But maybe those are my imagination. I definitely need an answer to that before I say it back. How long have I being thinking about this? A second? A minute? Oh geeze do something!

I kissed her ... Passionately. 

I didn't say anything.

This is my life now.

Use My Head Alongside My Heart

A few days have passed since her daughter's funeral, I decide to reach out the Librarian. I send her this simple message via Facebook "Sometime down the road, on your timetable, I'd like to catch up. I'm embarassed and ashamed on what it's taken me to get here." I'd no sooner sent the message then I got a text from her, thanking me for the picture frame and photo. Guess we're still a little on the same wave length, since her message wasn't a reply to mine.

I do want to be friends again. Yeah, crap happened and there were hurt feelings on my part, but suddenly none of that seems important. Big picture, it never was. I'd been out of her life for a year, and since burying the hatchet so to speak would be, weird, awkward and totally at the bottom of her list of priorities, the logical thing is to just revert to the last good point in the relationship. Out dating relationship never really went bad. It just kind of ended. Obviously we can't revert to that for a number of reasons, the most glaring of which is her fiancé. Roll back the clock even farther to when we were just friends ... And then I didn't yet know her daughter. 

Where this goes is on me, and her to agree to or not. In the laundry list of ways her life has changed, me being back is at the bottom to be dealt with, if it shows up at all on said list. So I put on my big boy pants and press forward. We talk, about nothing at first. But eventually I selfishly go back to selfishly bitching about my own life. I know that sounds strange, but it seems to be exactly what she needed. It's kinda sorta normal, and it gives her something else to think about.

Pressing forward with this new/old friendship would be slightly less awkwardish if I was seeing someone. Odd numbers and such. Besides, I have a steady job now, it's the next logical step in moving my life forward. I hit the dating sites, start talking to a handful of gals.

Online dating is a pain in the ass. As awkward and difficult a blind first date is, it's so much more awkward and futile online. As a male, you send a message, and hope to stick out among the hundreds of messages by mostly creeps. If you're lucky, you get a response. Then you have to be able to maintain a conversation long enough to build trust in order to get contact information to contact them outside of the dating app. And then you have to then build trust enough to get them actually meet you in public. All this without face to face interaction, or activities or anything. Sometimes its a matter of months to get there, and as you may imagine these women wonder off. Lack of chemistry, wondering into another relationship, deleting the app because another person creeped them out so much. Put out fifty feelers, maybe one interaction gets far enough to get to the actual meeting in person phase.

So imagine my surprise when I have not one, but four interactions with women that I feel like I could meet at anytime. I'm not one to date more than one person at a time, but I figure, I can go out on a date with each of them at least once and then figure out if any of them are worth a second date.

Girl #1, seems most like relationship material. But she cancels on me. The next night I go out with Girl #2, it goes okay. We have a good time. Dinner, a show, and then a dessert. But not even a good night hug. I have no idea if that means she doesn't like me, or she's shy. I'll ask her out again to figure it out. Girl #3 seems most like my type, but she lives an hour away. I put it on the back burner.

Next weekend I make maybe plans with Girl #3 for Friday. They wind up not happening. That's okay because Saturday I have plans with Girl #4, and Sunday a second attempt at a first date with Girl #1. Yeah, I might be pushing my luck.

Girl #4 is one who, on the surface doesn't to be the best fit for me, but not a bad one either. But that's the whole point of dating isn't it? To figure that out. So we go out. Dinner, drinks and a movie, nothing to suggest this was going to be a life altering event, but we definitely clicked more than I thought we were going too.

The next day Girl #1 cancels on me again. So I'm texting back and forth with Girl #3, she asks me what I'm doing, I tell her I'm thinking about ordering Chinese food. She tells me her order of Chinese, and that she always orders twice as much as she will eat so she can have leftovers, but if I wanted to come over, I was welcome to them. Who am I to turn down free food? I didn't give much thought to pacing obviously, but two dates in two days with the same woman ... not slow.

Her place is downright intimidating to me. The only women I've really dated since I split from the ex-wife have been divorced single moms or those who are still trying to find their way in life. In other words, semi-nomadic apartment dwellers, with strained financial resources. This one made out well in the divorce from her doctor ex-husband. Her so called humble abode is a four bedroom fully remodeled house, and just to additionally blow my poverty trained mind, new matching furniture through out. While most of this was purchased with the divorce settlement, she's not exactly hurting for cash herself. She's a home health care nurse and makes a pretty penny. I am officially dating way out of my league, economically anyway.

We eat the Chinese on her couch and watch a Duck Dynasty marathon and talk. She tells me she's surprised I came over. I ask why, and she tells me she figured she was just another Random Internet Chick to me. "Not really my style" I tell her, unaware myself at that moment I had been trying to make it my style if only for two weeks. I failed at that attempt though, as I was done with trying to date Girls #1-3 ... for now anyway.

"I am going to have to start calling you that now, Random Internet Chick " I tell her "... Maybe just RIC for short." I can't call her by her real name anyway. It's way too similar to that of my ex-wife's. In fact, they both have the same nickname. Even worse at my wedding reception, while giving his toast, my best man called my ex by the wrong name. Want to guess what name he said by accident? I try not to over think that coincidence here in the present.

During a Duck Dynasty commercial break, RIC tells me she's getting a dog from the pound later in the week. Not just any dog, a stray and a pit bull at that. Given the reputation of the breed, it sounds a bit risky, but my Rocker Chick friend had a pit bull she fostered for a few weeks. Having no real exposure to pit bulls before that, I wasn't expecting it to be the sweetest dog in the world, but it was. While I was walking it one day, I called the pup a good dog, and it immediately dropped to the ground and rolled over for a belly rub. So perhaps I'll give this pit bull a chance. Since I work second shift I offer to go with her to pickup the dog in the morning, I'd be glad to go, so that she could worry about the dog and I would worry about the driving. I try to play it off as a practical offer as to not to appear overly interested in seeing her again. Then I realize the appointment to pick up the dog is Thursday. Thursday the Fourteenth ... of February. Valentine's Day.

I feel like I should get something for this girl I'm apparently dating now, especially if I'm seeing her on Valentine's day. What's the least I can buy to communicate I'm interested, but not too interested? I mean I've only seen the girl twice, don't want to over do it. I settle on flowers and a few dog toys. Dog toys are practical and thoughtful, and the flowers show a hint of a romantic side. 

We pick up the dog. It's hyper and excited but that's to be expected with a new home. Otherwise, the dog is a big baby. I guess RIC isn't nuts for getting it after all.  I head to work, but not before she invites me to a friend's birthday party Saturday night. I decline, it's my weekend with the kids.

On the other hand, there is a benefit to having to stay with my parents when I have my kids. That being once the kids are asleep, my parents have no objection to watching them and I can sneak out for the night. So that's exactly what I do. We have some drinks and birthday cake, I meet her best friend and others. I didn't even mention to her I might be coming until the kids were asleep, so she was properly impressed with my efforts.

The next day I decide to take the kids to a movie. I check the listings, and the only dollar theater showing a kid friendly movie at a time we can reasonably make is located right in RIC's back yard. It's dumb, but I really want to see her again. I text her, tell her I'm taking the kids to a movie and then add "I know it's kinda rushing things, but if this is going somewhere, and I hope it is, if on the off chance you and my kids didn't get along, it'd be better to know sooner rather than later. So if you'd happen to show up at the movie, I'd have no objection to that."

So RIC joins me and my kids for Wreck It Ralph. The boy is restless, and by the end of the movie he's in my lap. The lights come up and I have my arm around RIC, the boy in my lap, and my daughter laying her head on me. Life feels really good at this moment. It's been a long time since I could say that. I'm almost afraid to get used to it. We go McDonald's for a happy meal fix before I take the kids back to their mother's. RIC asks me to come over on my way home, I agree. 

Several hours later I arrive at her place. Another uneventful evening at her place, but it's exactly what I want. Life has been too damn interesting for too long. A night in front of the TV, with a beautiful woman, just what I need. 

"You know I'm on this training shift for the next few weeks," I tell her, "so I'm almost on normal people hours instead of second shift. So it'd seem to me like I would be wasting an opportunity if I didn't try to take advantage of it and spend time, I normally wouldn't have, with you." As luck would have it, RIC is between work assignments and she's off work until further notice. Guess we'll be spending a lot of time together.

All attempts at taking things slow have gone out the window. I'm trying to decide why this might be a bad thing, but right now, I don't have a reason. Maybe there is one. But this is what I want ... This feels good. And damn it I deserve to feel good. I'm trying not to expect this to go wrong. Everything has gone wrong for me the past few years. Things are allowed to be good for a change. "Don't hold back just because you're expecting it to go wrong" I tell myself, "I'm allowed to be happy!"

After that night, I wouldn't sleep in my own bed for another month.

This is my life now.