From the beginning of this sad situation I never imagined it'd take this long to find employment. Every interview I had I was sure was the one. Sure being unemployed was downright inconvenient, but I told myself as long as I have a job by Halloween everything will be fine. But now Halloween has come and gone.
So why Halloween? I guess that to me was the cut off for when I could start a job, and then have a steady flow of income so that Holiday plans wouldn't have to change. No skipping Thanksgiving because my wife had to work her pathetic minimum wage job the day after. We wouldn't have to skimp on present for the extended family. We wouldn't have to cancel Christmas for our kids. Now I don't know what we'll have to do.
I suppose my son will never know either way this year. He's not even a year old and Christmas has no meaning to him. But I'll know. My daughter ... well she's been asking nightly to watch a Christmas Special that's not even on for another two weeks. She lacks a firm concept of time, but presents and pretty lights she knows. She's already reminding us we'll have to move the chair to put up the tree. We've bought a few presents through out the year at garage sales so she won't do entirely without ... but having a handful of second hand presents hardly says "Magical Christmas."
My wife asked me today what we're going to do about gifts this year. I don't know. We can't spend money. Even homemade craft type gifts take some supplies. I never really gave her a straight answer. Not because I didn't know but because I couldn't bring myself to actually say we have to cancel Christmas. I'm sure she thinks I'm not communicating again. She's right of course but not for the reason she thinks. I know what needs to be done. I just don't know how to face the pain and embarrassment of it. Our families don't know we go to food banks and Community dinners. My mom knows about being on WIC, but I think that's it.
I don't want to be the family that shows up, gets presents and leaves. I want to say just don't buy us anything. But if we go my daughter would never understand why everyone but her gets gifts. More importantly we need gifts. Useful gifts. Not DVD's and novelty jelly bean pooping reindeer. We need clothes. We need shoes. We need food. We need useful items. All the stuff you hated under the Christmas tree as a kid, we need. I can't afford to turn down gifts or any other charity for that matter.
How do you explain to a three year old Santa brings less present to poor kids? How do you even explain poor to the three year old? My wife asked my daughter what she wanted for Christmas at dinner. She told us a "A penny and a giant box of cereal." Adorable right? I tell myself it's because we only let her watch PBS Kids and she's never seen a real toy commercial. I tell myself that. At the same time she's always showed a wisdom beyond her years. Maybe she knows, maybe she even understands.
I hope not. I don't want her to know, I don't want her to understand. I want her to be a kid. Happy and carefree. I want her to have the same eager anticipation at 5am Christmas morning seeing the tree lit up but not quite being able to see what Santa left. I want her to have the same magical wonder I had coming downstairs with the tree overflowing with presents. I want her to spend what felt like hours unwrapping toy after toy after toy after toy. She's only three once and she's only going to believe in Santa for so long. One day she'll know the first picture of her and Santa was actually of her and her Dad. One day she'll know daddy disappointed her, not Santa.
This is my life now.
One day, she'll know that daddy dug down deep and didn't give up to despair. One day she'll say that year was the best Christmas ever... because she had you and her mom and all the love and security you both provide. The best Christmas present is your presence and her presence in each other's lives. Count your blessings my friend - Thanksgiving comes before Christmas, and it's an attitude of gratitude that will get you through. God bless.
ReplyDeleteDo something that doesn't cost money but it special. Only costs time. It will be more valuable in the long run.
ReplyDeleteReduce, re-use, recycle. Secondhand is earth-friendly, perfectly in keeping with winter solsitce and Yule traditions, and the earthy trappings of Christmas. It's all in how you look at it.
ReplyDeleteOur "poor" holidays involve lots of free community events, driving around to look at holiday lights, festive music, dancing, and little tokens of appreciation to each other (hidden sweet notes, a pretty bead, a perfect rock, etc.)
I think our holidays are often richer than most, despite the lack of spending.